Someone once told me I look like Eva Longoria. Once. And let me tell you I have hung on to that like...well,..like something you really want to hang on to! I get it. We're both petite. We both have brown hair and brown eyes. So probably if you squint while you're standing about a half-mile away, I might resemble Eva Longoria. Hey, I'll take it! Who wouldn't love to look like Eva? My biggest problem with believing this compliment, is that I have mirrors in my home.
So here we go- What does "The mom in my mind" look like? Well, I guess it's Eva Longoria. And not just Eva Longoria- it's Eva on the cover of 'Cosmo', wearing stilettos, standing in some awkward position, looking directly into the camera, with a sexy "deer caught in the headlights" kind of expression. Apparently, the mom in my mind is in a constant state of "pose". Now my dear reader, please know that I know, this is a completely ridiculous expectation! For one thing, the kids and I spend the majority of our days in and out of a kiddie pool in our back yard just trying to cope with the 1000 degree Tennessee heat. Between Ayla giving me "swimming lessons" and the two of us working on her mastery of potty training, there's not a whole lot of time for stilettos and posing.
The mom I am in reality is slightly more "desperate housewife" than "Eva Longoria" these days. Now, don't get me wrong, with a small arsenal of make-up, a magnified mirror, a powerful blow dryer, a lot of prayer, a little luck and the right lighting,... I manage to look presentable some times. Oh...I know, I know, "True beauty comes from the inside", and "You're beautiful just the way you are". (By the way, you have to read those last two lines in a high squeaky voice to get the intended sarcasm.) (Go ahead...go back and read them in a high squeaky voice.)
I am aware that "true beauty comes from the inside" -and what not and what not and blah, blah, blah- but the bottom line is...well the bottom line is that I like me some make-up. It takes me from "black and white" to "color". I am also well aware of what I look like pre-primp and what I look like post-primp, and I simply prefer the latter. It's not much deeper than that.
I'm always amazed at how completely adorable my children are without any effort. In fact often, when I attempt to tame their appearance, I make it worse! I'm sure every parent can relate to the absolute perfection that is their child's slightly disheveled hair and smile. They're amazing! So, sometimes after quickly wiping my children's faces and running a comb through their hair, I think I can get away with equally minimal effort on my own appearance...and then I look in the mirror. It's usually at this point that I panic and want to call out to my husband, "There's no hope! Just go on without me! I don't have the tools for this kind of overhaul!" I just know that if I were to leave my house looking like this, it would be pandemonium. I envision children screaming and pointing. Mothers covering their babies eyes, instructing them firmly not to look directly at it!
But luckily, my arsenal of make-up and hair care products helps me get to the point where I can finally mutter, "Well I'm not completely homely." (By the way- someone also called me homely before.)
Now I'm sure that anyone who loves me would say that I'm beautiful "just the way I am", but let me assure you that the difference between me with make-up and without, is night and day. I would post a picture to prove it but there's probably no one there to cover your eyes and tell you not to look directly at it.
So, as my children grow, I will make sure they know that they are amazing and beautiful simply because of who they are. I will attempt to teach them things like kindness, confidence, and a good work ethic. But most importantly, I will never take for granted a good eye-liner, lip gloss or my Mac foundation!
Have a good week out there all you gorgeous people! You're beautiful just the way you are!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Walmart Walk Of Shame
So, this is pretty simple...I never thought I would be the tackiest spectacle one would see walking around a Walmart! However, this was indeed the situation last monday evening. I'm not actually sure this has anything to do with being a mother, but my children were with me and it was my daughter who helped turn me into said spectacle, so I'm blogging about it.
My shoe broke. That's it. That's all that happened. We were checking out with our full cart of groceries, when Ayla- trying to help me load the groceries on the counter- stepped on my flip-flop and the thong ripped right out of it.
Now, in my experience, there is just no honestly graceful way to handle the moment a shoe breaks. There's this sort of "trip" move that automatically occurs as your foot springs free of the device that kept it restrained only the moment before.
So instantly, you're busy pretending that you don't care that you tripped, (you know...like, "Oh, i meant to do that!") and at the same time, your mind quickly begins scrambling for a solution to this ridiculous problem.
At this point, I had three options available to me to examine/fix my shoe. 1) I could bend down and attempt to fix it while I was hunched over and my three year old continued to slam eggs, milk and bananas onto the conveyer belt. 2) I could lift my foot up to eye level while attempting to balance on one foot as I fixed the cursed shoe. 3) I could take it off and stand there with one bare foot while I fixed it.
I opted to to take it off and fix it. Let me tell you that just standing in Walmart with one shoe off made me want to bleach not only my entire foot, but the leg attached to it as well! I'm not even sure what I think is happening on the floors of Walmart that disgusts me on such a level, but I was completely grossed out.
So, I managed to repair the shoe just enough to keep it on my foot during the check-out process but within two steps of heading for the exit, the thong popped free once again.
Now here is what I could not figure out- so please feel free to comment at the end of this post...
Does it make more of a spectacle to:
A) walk with one shoe on and one shoe off (gross!)
B) walk with both shoes off (double gross!)
C) drag my foot along the floor- as though I have a major physical handicap- but which at least keeps the shoe on my foot?
I opted for option D), which was to keep the shoe on, take approximately one and a half dragging steps, have it break again, attempt to fix it, then take another one and a half steps.
I did this until it was no longer possible to walk this way, at which point, I just took off my shoe. Never was I so careful not to make eye contact with another human being as I was, on this long walk to my car. There's a reason that the rule is : 'No shoes, No shirt, No service'! No shoes is in the top three! No one ever posts a sign that says 'No pants-No service'. But 'No Shoes' is at the top of the list. No one wants to see another person walking around barefoot in the same place they're buying their food! No one!
Now, I have seen those "people of Walmart" videos on YouTube. I've watched them with the appropriate hand-over-mouth shock that someone would go shopping, wearing not much more than a braided goatee, and yellow cowboy boots. But, I realize now, that the woman wearing that "get-up" probably just threw in all of her laundry for the week, realized that she forgot to buy fabric softener and had to make a bee-line for the store. I will no longer judge since I know she's probably well aware of the fact that her hot pink thong is creeping out the back of her leggings (which are about three sizes too small). She's also probably aware of the fact that, even though her yellow cowboy boots usually compliment any outfit...it may have been a "miss" just this once.
I was thrilled to actually get into my car that evening. I laughed out loud and drove home barefoot. Later on, when I told my husband about my shoe breaking, you know what his response was?
"You walked around Walmart without shoes on?!?!"
I literally had to explain in some detail that this was certainly not by choice. Even he could not muster up sympathy before distaste.
It has occurred to me during the typing of this, that parenthood can often be like this situation. There's nothing like a one year olds temper tantrum in a public place, to give you the same panicked feeling I had when I first felt my shoe break! There's often no more reasoning with my one year old than there is with my flip-flop. (Actually, sometimes there is no more reasoning with grown ups, than there is with a flip-flop! Lol!)
So, for all you parents who have ever dealt with a situation simply by trying to get out of it with some shred of dignity intact...youre awesome! As for me...I'm off to buy some yellow cowboy boots. I hear they compliment any outfit!
My shoe broke. That's it. That's all that happened. We were checking out with our full cart of groceries, when Ayla- trying to help me load the groceries on the counter- stepped on my flip-flop and the thong ripped right out of it.
Now, in my experience, there is just no honestly graceful way to handle the moment a shoe breaks. There's this sort of "trip" move that automatically occurs as your foot springs free of the device that kept it restrained only the moment before.
So instantly, you're busy pretending that you don't care that you tripped, (you know...like, "Oh, i meant to do that!") and at the same time, your mind quickly begins scrambling for a solution to this ridiculous problem.
At this point, I had three options available to me to examine/fix my shoe. 1) I could bend down and attempt to fix it while I was hunched over and my three year old continued to slam eggs, milk and bananas onto the conveyer belt. 2) I could lift my foot up to eye level while attempting to balance on one foot as I fixed the cursed shoe. 3) I could take it off and stand there with one bare foot while I fixed it.
I opted to to take it off and fix it. Let me tell you that just standing in Walmart with one shoe off made me want to bleach not only my entire foot, but the leg attached to it as well! I'm not even sure what I think is happening on the floors of Walmart that disgusts me on such a level, but I was completely grossed out.
So, I managed to repair the shoe just enough to keep it on my foot during the check-out process but within two steps of heading for the exit, the thong popped free once again.
Now here is what I could not figure out- so please feel free to comment at the end of this post...
Does it make more of a spectacle to:
A) walk with one shoe on and one shoe off (gross!)
B) walk with both shoes off (double gross!)
C) drag my foot along the floor- as though I have a major physical handicap- but which at least keeps the shoe on my foot?
I opted for option D), which was to keep the shoe on, take approximately one and a half dragging steps, have it break again, attempt to fix it, then take another one and a half steps.
I did this until it was no longer possible to walk this way, at which point, I just took off my shoe. Never was I so careful not to make eye contact with another human being as I was, on this long walk to my car. There's a reason that the rule is : 'No shoes, No shirt, No service'! No shoes is in the top three! No one ever posts a sign that says 'No pants-No service'. But 'No Shoes' is at the top of the list. No one wants to see another person walking around barefoot in the same place they're buying their food! No one!
Now, I have seen those "people of Walmart" videos on YouTube. I've watched them with the appropriate hand-over-mouth shock that someone would go shopping, wearing not much more than a braided goatee, and yellow cowboy boots. But, I realize now, that the woman wearing that "get-up" probably just threw in all of her laundry for the week, realized that she forgot to buy fabric softener and had to make a bee-line for the store. I will no longer judge since I know she's probably well aware of the fact that her hot pink thong is creeping out the back of her leggings (which are about three sizes too small). She's also probably aware of the fact that, even though her yellow cowboy boots usually compliment any outfit...it may have been a "miss" just this once.
I was thrilled to actually get into my car that evening. I laughed out loud and drove home barefoot. Later on, when I told my husband about my shoe breaking, you know what his response was?
"You walked around Walmart without shoes on?!?!"
I literally had to explain in some detail that this was certainly not by choice. Even he could not muster up sympathy before distaste.
It has occurred to me during the typing of this, that parenthood can often be like this situation. There's nothing like a one year olds temper tantrum in a public place, to give you the same panicked feeling I had when I first felt my shoe break! There's often no more reasoning with my one year old than there is with my flip-flop. (Actually, sometimes there is no more reasoning with grown ups, than there is with a flip-flop! Lol!)
So, for all you parents who have ever dealt with a situation simply by trying to get out of it with some shred of dignity intact...youre awesome! As for me...I'm off to buy some yellow cowboy boots. I hear they compliment any outfit!
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