Dear Dad,

The following is a letter I wrote to my dad for fathers day this year. I had something else written for my blog this week, but I feel like maybe I didn't write this letter just for him. It's always good to be reminded that no matter how dark the night is...morning will come.  
Dear Dad, 
I'm not sure how to start this, so I'm just going to ramble for a sec while I find my groove..
 I've thought about you a lot over the last few days. Fathers day is tomorrow, so that is part of the reason. The other reason is because, I realized the other day, that four years ago, was the week I had that horrible miscarriage. 
  Looking back on that week still brings me to tears...
  Jasmine had been born three days before- your first grandchild and my first niece! She was perfect and it was one of the most exciting times in the history of our immediate family. You and mom were in Oklahoma to be a part of the arrival of this new generation into our family.
 I was 14 weeks pregnant, and we went to the doctor that morning to hear the heartbeat for the first time. They couldn't find the heartbeat, so the doctor sent me in for a quick ultrasound. Within a few seconds of the ultrasound starting, I could see the uncomfortable look on the techs face, before she said, "Well, guys, I'm so sorry to tell you this,...but I don't see a viable fetus here." My world stopped then.
  I remember trying to get out of the office before I broke. I leaned over and told Andy that I wasn't angry with him, I just couldn't look at him because I knew it would be my undoing. My stupid body had not even recognized the collapsed fetus, so there had been no sign that anything was wrong. Doc scheduled an emergency DNC for the next morning, Andy called me off of work, and we headed home to make the painful phone calls to our family. This was the second time I had miscarried.
  I'll never forget the phone call to Heather. Within 10 seconds of the conversation, all she could quietly say was, "No... Holly, this wasn't supposed to happen".
 An hour later, you called to tell me that you and mom had just left Oklahoma so that you could be with Andy and I the next morning during my surgery. 
  I still can't believe the timing of that horrible day. On top of being the day that Jas was brought home from the hospital, it was the week of Melissas wedding, and that weekend was fathers day. I had already bought a grandfathers card for you. I was broken.
  I don't usually think so specifically about that time as I have this week. I'm not sure why I thought about it now. I thought about it on Thursday, and the thoughts stayed with me this weekend as Ayla and I bought construction paper and finger paints and made Andy a fathers day card.
  Then tonight, we were all in the living room hanging out. I was sitting on the living room floor, with Crewe in my lap, and Andy and Ayla got down to pick out the movie she wanted to watch. I was within arms reach of my husband and both my beautiful babes. Right at this moment, a fathers day commercial came on. The woman in the commercial was having flashbacks of all the special moments she'd had with her father throughout the course of her life. It made me think of all my moments with you, and I started crying.
  This moment was amazing! I was literally experiencing each millisecond of it. I was crying as I thought of memories, but laughing as I watched my reality. Ayla kept changing her mind, and Andy was trying to keep his patience with her as she wavered back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The rest of the evening was equally comical...
  We had some major poopies tonight - we're not sure why- but major. At one point, Ayla didn't make it to the potty and it not only filled her panties, but leaked down her leg, and got on the bathroom floor and wall as I helped her into the shower.
  Andy did offer to change Crewe once, but as soon as he opened the diaper, he gaggingly said, "Oh! I can't do it! It's green and it's all the way up on his junk"! He then ran into the kitchen, where he gagged over the sink for the next five minutes. I laughed out loud as I finished the diaper change.
  The thing is...I was so happy to have those poopy diapers to change and I'm so grateful to be celebrating fathers day this year! I'm celebrating you. I'm celebrating Andy. And I'm celebrating my children!
  Thinking back on all the things you've done - not only for me, but for all five of us- makes me feel so blessed! 
  For me personally, just realizing the anniversary of where I was four years ago, has made this fathers day weekend extra meaningful to me! I'll never forget the support I felt when you and mom drove through the night to be with us during that time! Even the days following, that Andy and I got to spend with you, were so good! ......

 I finished the letter with some personal sentiment for my dad, but I want to finish this blog post by saying that I know life can take some incredibly cheap shots and it can knock you down in ways you never saw coming, but you are stronger than you know! So, for anyone (like me), who occasionally needs the reminder, let me tell you again...Morning will come. Have a great week everyone! :)